Source: Steven Stosny (including direct quotes from): The Fear-Shame Dynamic, Temperament Clashes in Relationships, How We Shoot Ourselves in the Foot in Committed Relationships
Many quarrels are based on the idea that others must see the world the same way as you. Think of how often you've heard statement like these:
I would never have done what he did"
How could she have possibly felt that way?
I wouldn't be afraid if that happened to me, so she shouldn't either.
If I got fired I would use it as a motivator to form stronger bonds at work the next time and that's how he should see it, too.
For a relationship to work you must realize that other people are really different from you. We all have different temperaments. They are inborn and they never change and you can't force them to change or reason them out of existence.
For instance, people with high innate energy are more inclined to action than reflection and prefer some kind of external structure to guide their abundant energy.
Those with lower energy levels tend to be more thoughtful before acting, and prefer a looser external structure so they can think about where to invest their limited energy.
Likewise, one person focuses on details while the other attends to the big picture; one is more organized, orderly, punctual, and rigid whereas another is often late.
The only way to get along is to tolerate these different tastes and behaviours without thinking they are inferior or wrong.
Now the question arises, could you live or work with someone who is radically different from you? No, obviously not.
However, we are drawn to people with moderate differences in temperament that fill in our gaps.
For instance, high intensity people like people they can relax with while low intensity people are attracted to those who energize them.
Highly organized people admire the spontaneity and tendency to "think outside the box" of people who are less organized. And the less organized enjoy the feet-on-the-ground qualities of the more stable types.
Still, when you are closely involved with someone who is even moderately different, big problems can arise if you try too hard to close the gap and make the other person like you. They push back aggressively or withdraw and you push harder or withdraw.
The only way to resolve these differences is to give up trying to change them. You might be able to come to some behaviourial compromises but you have to realize that you are never going to "win". You will not gain a general victory by making the other person come around to your way of seeing things.
This means that, sometimes, you are going to feel betrayed by the people closest to you simply because they don't understand you and won't see things your way. That's when you have to appreciate your individuality and theirs. You see something important your way and they see it their way but the issue isn't betrayal. They just have a different point of view - maybe inborn.
And if you are going to work together you have to find some way to accomodate the other person without bitterness about the fact that he's different from you and without putting yourself in a strait-jacket yourself to suit him.
It sounds impossible but once we stop trashing the other guy's character, we are in a better position to focus on the non-personal problem.
